Shiny Azure’s Weblog

Alrighty, here it is at 1:40am and I’m so wide awake.

I had sworn off caffeinated soda, and fell off the wagon yesterday … and fell harder today, its really dangerous for my waistline to live a five minute walk from a grocery store that alternates its weekly soda sales between Coke and Pepsi >.> Not that giving it up is really difficult, I mean, I’ve given up caffeinated soda about a dozen times already this year and it isn’t yet the end of February 0~:)

So after an afternoon without the kiddo, and an evening with the Man playing Scrabble and consuming caffeine to see just how insane our games can become … I’ve still got 0% blood in the caffeine stream that flows through my veins ^.^ Yes I agree 100% that I asked for this, and I knew this was coming since I opened the first 2L bottle this afternoon.

But I wouldn’t change anything, its my addiction and could be worse right? I mean, my blood pressure isn’t off the charts (anymore), I’m allowed to indulge a little right?

Mmm maybe this was more than a little >.> Tomorrow might be back onto the wagon with a large bottle of water to help fend off withdrawal cravings and habits. I need to give it up, for more than the benefits of not risking my blood pressure lol. Really, the ingredients are nasty.

Carbonated Water (don’t be fooled, the bubbles are cool but it dehydrates you. ) , sugar/glucose-fructose (I’m surprised at fruit-based sugar, but its still the 2nd ingredient), caramel colour (seems close to juice so far, aside from the carbonated word attached to the water), phosphoric acid (acid + teeth should make me cry after the root canal I had done last December) ((granted root canals aren’t as bad as I thought they’d be, not that I want another ^.^)), natural flavor (zOMG something natural in this crap?), and caffeine.

Wow, after that I’m not sure if there’s even enough of a caffeine percentage to justify drinking this anymore >.> Completely ignoring how many people use dark caffeinated soda for *cleaners* and my ARD (acid reflux disease).

Guess I’m not as smart as I thought, anyways … tomorrow is a new day, I might back off of soda altogether and go back to drinking water and moo-juice. Especially since I swallowed the proverbial bullet and sent out more resumes over the weekend, and if I am offered something that makes going back to work worth while, sleepless nights due to overindulging on caffeine will be SO not an option anymore.

If being the operative word. Childcare here on average STARTS between $500 and $600 per month. Month. That’s almost rent in the cheap end of town, and if its going to be around the same amount as one pay cheque, then honestly? Working isn’t worth it.

I know I’m kinda screwed until I’m able to finish school and get my certs, I’m really not sure if anyone is going to hire me with 2 months left to go on a Business course, even if all that was left was learning 2 pieces of accounting software. I’ve got the skills, but not the piece of paper. Pretty paper, but still … its only paper So I’m stuck making 10k less that what I could have been making if I was able to stay back west for 2 months last year to finish the farking course.

It makes me depressed how urgently life will throw emergencies and crud at me every time I try to pull myself up so I can provide for my kiddo. Social Assistance is not an option, and more things seem to be coming out of hiding that should have been dealt with years ago, but due to laziness is threatening my kiddo’s financial security *now*. I mean, how difficult is it to put money away to pay bills and loans? Really? When you’re making damn near twice minimum wage, and have a couple hundred dollars spare each pay to toss at games and fast food. I … can’t even begin to comprehend. Maybe its just me, I’ve got a spaz-like fear of not paying my bills, and being caught without money in an emergency for thinks like, taxi fare to the hospital, or money for prescription meds for the kiddo. Am I crazy for not wanting to have my rent unpaid? Its so simple, pay your bills, set aside $20 for a treat for yourself if you can manage it. Budget in for expensive treats so you don’t end up shooting yourself in the foot without warning.

*sigh* but as I’m the parent at home, I can’t really say much even though budgeting is part of my school program. I’m so tired of the “I forgot” and “its my money” speals, because the agreement of me staying home is “the bills gotta be paid, and you need to be treated.” it is SIMPLE to have happen, but zomg spending oodles of money and not telling thy spouse is so not making a pretty picture.

Its sad, I’ll be making no where near what the Man makes, but if I get a job I’m probably going to need to be putting away money on top of paying the bills just so I can make sure said bills DO get paid without screwing us over.

And succeed. Yah rent is higher here, and with 2 incomes the bills will be easier to pay, but last time we had 2 incomes we had …. less money it seemed, than we do on 1 income. And so much clutter, and so farking many miniture bits on the floor being stepped on in my bare feet >.< ow. I love painting them, I hate stepping on 1/2″ swords, because they always seem to get jammed too deep into the carpet for the vacuum to pick up, and then jam themselves point-first into your feet. Usually managing to find the one little hole in your sock or slipper in the process lol.

So. Bedtime for me, its 2:17am now and 7am comes early.

~Azure

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So the day is done for the most part and its 6:40pm.  I got up after napping (ha!) and completely forgot that I was going to try to cut out soda today, and poured myself a mug.  I am shamed lol.   Anyway, stress happened today so maybe cutting out the soda isn’t such a hot idea.

Any ladies out there who are trying to piece together a relationship or Domestic Partnership/Marriage after their partners were unfaithful would understand the stress and anger from my afternoon, since the girly the Man walked out for to play house with (with her and her now 2 year old daughter) is now fawning all over him.

She signs a lease with him after he wrecks our family for her, then decides “I don’t want to leave my boyfriend for you after all, sorry about sticking you with 11 months of a lease.  No he isn’t really my child’s father but he thinks he is, so I need to stay.  Oh and don’t tell anyone I wanted to leave him, ’cause I didn’t tell my parents or my current boyfriend about my plans to move out.”  NOW she wants him back, now that he’s trying to make amends and salvage what was left of his marriage?  Excuse me while I die laughing lol.

Zomg I thought I left high school behind, but evidently this girly didn’t.  Seriously, if your ex is trying to repair a marriage, and you aren’t willing to leave your boyfriend/girlfriend to be with them exclusively, good lord STOP trying to come between the partners, STOP throwing yourself at your ex to piss off his partner, and START working on your broken relationship with your own boyfriend.  Is it so…. mind-blowingly difficult to comprehend?

Good lord, I just want to try to rebuild what was torched when the Man walked out, the least that woman could do is leave us in peace instead of throwing herself at him in front of their friends.  Its like she’s living in some dream world, in a state of denial.

“I reject Reality and replace it with my own.”

well, the reality she’s trying to bend to her will affects my child, and will cause my child harm.  Not to mention I don’t appreciate being treated like her personal doormat or damnit doll.  IMHO, she lost her chance to be the Man’s arm-candy when she stiffed him with a lease and ran back to the person she cried “he does drugs and won’t help me with the baby” about.

Time to grow up, there’s only space in my marriage for 2, and we’ve only got 1 child.  That one child is our dear son, not her.

~Azure, who is going to go rant somewhere so I don’t bore you to tears.