Something has happened that hurts so much I think I’m going to be sick.
My best friend, a lady who’s like my sister, who held me and let me cry on her shoulder when my own mother refused to acknowledge my pain or fears, is now hurting because of me.
I knew and understand that she was ill, and I swear to all gods that I never intended anything hurtful. I just wanted to spend time with her, and didn’t realize she’d take my discomfort with a genre as a personal attack. I swear it wasn’t, I just didn’t want my discomfort to bring down any happiness or stress-relief that she could find within the genre that makes her happy.
All this because of a stupid game and imaginary characters. I love my sister dearly, but there’s an imaginary character in her favorite game that makes me so uncomfortable I have hyperventilated, or become so nauseous I’ve actually thrown up. I’m not sure why this is, I’m pretty sure there is some subconscious parallel that my conscious mind can’t pinpoint, that my unconscious mind is violently pulling away from.
How can I explain that this fictitious person is making me pull away from someone I love? Its ridiculous and irrational, and I wish it wasn’t real. But it is real, and I don’t think she should suffer for it, it isn’t fair. So instead of inflicting it on anyone, friends or loved ones, I’m letting you all play and be happy, and trying my hardest to explain that nothing, NOT A SINGLE BIT of this is your fault at all.
Its irrational, based on something I can neither pinpoint with my finger, or understand with my rational mind. And I’m simply sick to my stomach now that I know this invisible poison is hurting you, hurting anyone. I can live with inflicting pain on myself, its something I’ve grown used to. But I can never forgive myself for making any of you hurt, especially over something that doesn’t seem to have any way to be controlled.
I love you, and I hope you can find some way to forgive me for upsetting you, for causing you pain when you were ill and needed me to support you for a change. I had no idea you were feeling so affected, or needing me to give you back some of the support you have unselfishly and freely given me. I am blind and will never forgive myself for letting you down when I should have known you needed me.
I love you, I miss you terribly. Please forgive me.
~Azure
